Strike Two

I don't know where to start.  Yesterday we got the official results that the frozen transfer was a negative. I knew though since last week that it did not work.  I took a couple pregnancy tests last week and they all were negative.  Last week was pure hell.  I have never felt so low, so defeated and broken.  The best way I can explain is that I had this lump that sat in my throat and at any minute it would come to the surface in tears, sobs, and pure pain.  And it honestly felt like my heart hurt.

There are so many more questions now.  Obviously something is not right.  I am young, had great quality embryos, and still nothing.  And I want to know what is the problem.  We meet with the doctor next week to discuss next steps.  I need and want answers.

My sadness has seemed to turn to anger.  I have been saying a lot of 'why me's' lately.  I don't know why I have to be the 'one' you read about on the internet.  Those are always other people and now it's me.  I am going to give myself a couple more days of playing the 'why me' game but then I need to move past it.  This is the shitty hand I was dealt and I need to figure out a way to deal with it.

We have a lot of soul searching and decisions to make.  I pray that we continue to have strength to persevere. 

Looking Up

So after my nervous breakdown on Thursday night, I had another blood draw Friday.  Well guess what?  My tsh was up.  3.07 to be exact. Ugh.  But knowing stress and anxiety reek havoc on your thyroid, it wasn't that big of a surprise.  So after chatting with Dr. Thyroid and the peeps at the fertility clinic, my mind is at ease and we are proceeding with the embryo transfer this week.  I changed my dose of meds and we will see how that goes.  I feel great about it all actually.  I am trying to stay positive and stress free as possible.  So a weekend with family and friends was just what I needed.  Now it's to get my school kids to understand that whole stress free zone thing.

We have received so many well wishes and prayers for the next step in this journey.  I am overwhelmed with it all really.  We are very lucky that we have so many people who support and care for us.  I know no matter what the outcome may be we always have friends and family to lean on.

A couple weeks ago, we went and had Chinese.  And here is what my fortune said.  And I didn't make Nate switch with me.  For reals.

Not sure about the "due course of time" but hey I'll take it!

Here's the Scoop

Today was the last appointment until we go in for the transfer and all was great.  We chatted with Dr. D about the plan and then meet with the nurse who went over my medications for the next week.  All went smooth.  I then waited patiently for my blood work results via email (love that) and my estrogen was a nice 307 and lining was 9.2mm.  And my TSH (my friend-the thyroid) was at 2.32. To the fertility clinic, that is fine.  But I glanced at that TSH number twice because in March it was a 1.47.  Now as any seasoned internet medical researcher would know, and I would earn a master's degree in that one, that "they" say your number should be between 1-2.  So panic immediately set in.  WTF.  I immediately call a friend for reinforcement on my crazy thought and she was with me.  My biggest advice to anyone out there regarding your health is that you need to trust your gut feeling and you have to be your own advocate. 

I got on the phone and called my own personal doctor.  Well my step mom that is.  She listened to my hysteria and said she would make some calls and get back to me. I can't begin to tell you how great she is.  She got a hold of my endocrinologist, who lives out of state, and was at home, and talked to her about my situation.  Now here's my medical lesson for the day.  Today's blood work was done in Fargo and my previous was in Bismarck.  Apparently you can't compare the two as they were done in two different labs.  Now the plan is to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow, get another blood draw and then compare my March draw with this new draw and then look at the Fargo draw.  Seriously if you followed this last paragraph, you are a champ.  Again, I think I could earn a certificate in all things to do with infertility and now thyroid. 

And the kicker is, I might be making a huge deal out of nothing.  Which I tend to do a lot.  But I just want all to be perfect as this cycle was paid completely out of our own pocket.  My feelings and emotions are running high tonight. I should have known not to get too comfortable with my plan as my plan never seems to work the way I thought it would.  That's life my friends.  Why, why, why can't I plan for a nice, easy, stress free cycle.  Again all of this ranting and raving may be for nothing.  Hopefully that is the case.

Non-event

I had my baseline appointment the other day and it was non eventful. Which is a good thing.  No weird cysts or wacky blood work. We got to talk with Dr. D about our transfer and which embryos we are going to use.  There are 8 frosties and we are going to thaw 3 day 3ers.  We discussed how many to transfer, the possibility of some not surviving the thaw, growing, etc.  All things I knew before so not a big shock or surprise.  My biggest worries are what ifs.  I always play the what if game.  And Nate does not like to play.  What if the embryos don't survive the thaw, what if only one does, what if all three do, what if they are poor quality. meh.  But Dr. D did tell me that I need to go into this optimistic.  The clinic has had many successes with patients who had a failed IVF cycle and then a positive FET cycle.  Also with this cycle, an acupuncturist will be available to do treatments on my transfer day.  Very exciting as I am a big believer in eastern medicine.  We go back for another appointment soon, so here's hoping all continues to go smooth.  


And now for my random, rambling thoughts.....These last couple weeks I have had a conflicted mind.  Along with some headaches, not sure if it's from the Lupron, but my head has been spinning.  I am trying to take things day by day but really want my transfer day to be here like yesterday.  I want to do this and know if it worked or not.  I am so not good with the unknown factor but that has been my life for the past 2.5 years.  I am tired of living appointment to appointment.  I hate wishing time away but that's all I have been doing for a long time and it is wearing on one's mind.  But going into this next step, I have been really trying to be level headed and calm about the whole thing.  Ha!  Ask my husband and he will probably tell you a different story.  Anyways, I have long learned that I have no say in all of this-the big guy does.  So I am trying to leave it all up to Him.  That's the best way I know how to deal right now.  Again, random thoughts.

Take Two

Today starts the beginning of frozen transfer #1 or known as FET #1.  I can not begin to tell you how anxious I am.  I am so ready to do this.  I have been driving myself crazy the past month waiting to get started. I got my meds last week and it was a considerable amount less compared to when I did IVF, which makes me so, so happy.

A small, tiny shot for a couple weeks and then some bigger ones later along with some teeny pills.  That's it.  I am ready but I am also so terrified.  I am terrified with how this could all end.  Thinking I would have to go through all that emotional hell is something I don't know if I can do again.  But if it happens, I have learned you have no choice but to plow through it.  Life goes on and unfortunately so do we.  Those thoughts need to be pushed aside for now.  But they will always be there, some days buried way back in your thoughts and some days they are close and right in your face.  Each day I am working on pushing them back a little further and hoping to leave them there for a long, long time.

On a different note, I attended my first RESOLVE support group meeting.  This is the first support group for infertility in my area so it was so exciting to talk and discuss things other women are also experiencing.  I found myself nodding in agreement and almost saying the exact same words.  I hope that this group continues to grow and become a positive place for a group of women that so need this type of support.

So here's to the next part of this journey, wherever it may take us, hopeful it's closer to bringing home our baby.

Back in Time

Last weekend, I went back in time.  Seriously.  Like circa 1972.  Let me explain.

Sadly, I haven't seen my grandma for awhile.  And she lives 50 miles away.  Bad granddaughter-check.  And you see my 82 year old grandma is one of the funniest, honest, and loving people ever.  guilt. guilt. guilt.  So I decided to make the trek to small town usa with my aunt and uncle to take grandma out to lunch.  It was a beautiful day and grandma needed to get out, so we head to a local cafe for lunch.  This isn't your bistro type cafe.  It was filled with wood paneled walls, scary dolls, questionable wall decor, and a carpet door.

 Patriotic and festive.

 Is it the door to the 21st century?

Now I am not stating that I am a big city gal who is too cool for school but it was funny.  This trip did make for some good chuckles and eye rolls between my aunt and I.  I only got a couple pics because I didn't want to scare the locals with my fancy telephone contraption-now I just being a brat.  After eating a well balanced lunch-cheeseburger, fries, and dc-we were off. 

But this is one of my most favorite pictures ever.  Grandma in front of the Wagon Wheel.  Most fun I ever had circa 1972.

Rockin the Runway?

Over the weekend, I had the privilege to attend one of the prettiest weddings of some dear friends. (see Kelsey's blog for all the deets)  I knew this night was going to be filled with friends, fun, and fashion.  That last line was totally cheeze but I like it, so I'm going with it.  Anywho, if you are anything like me, I tend to stress about what to wear.  Now I know, no one will be looking at me but still a girl has to look her best right?  Of course my closet is full of dresses, but I've already worn them and I am that annoying person who thinks a new dress is needed for each special occasion. So instead of buying a new dress, I decided to rent one.  Have you check out Rent the Runway?  If not, do so immediately!  Here is what I rented.

I had such a hard time choosing.  There are so many dresses for any and every occasion.  I ended up paying $100 that's including shipping for 3 dresses.  You don't have to order two different ones but I am such an indecisive person, so the two choice worked great for me.  I ended up wearing the navy Shoshana as it seemed more dressy and appropriate for what kind of turned into a winter wedding.  I loved the teal Nanette Lepore but felt it was too "springy."  In hindsight, I should have chosen one with sleeves as a small blizzard made its way through Fargo that night.  In the end, you have the dresses for 4 days, stuff them in a prepaid bag and drop off at the post office.  Easy, easy friends.

So this is my plug for RTR.  No, I did not get paid but it would have been sweet if I did.