Snowmageddon

So it snowed.  Lots over the weekend.  I didn't want to believe all the hype Mr. Weatherman spewed because he just loves storms especially ones where there is a potential to break some sort of stupid record.  Well Mr. Weatherman, you won.  You got your record.  Over 17 inches in one day.  bleh.

These were during the storm when we thougt maybe we should shovel.  Ha! That didn't last very long.

School was cancelled, I busted out the wine, and watched another 3 hours of Game of Thrones.  I am offically obsessed with GOT, but that is for another post.  When we woke today, our neighbor cleared out entire driveway/sidewalk.  Thank goodness.  And yes, we still don't own a snowblower.  My husband thinks we don't need one... Anyways, here are some today pics.

 Come on spring... where are you?

Decisions and Choices

It's been over a week since we have got our official negative on our 3rd IVF cycle.  After getting over the flu in February, we were able to go ahead and do the cycle in March.  I didn't want to talk about it much at all so that is why things were really quiet on the blog front as well as in real life.  I didn't want to get my hopes up in fear of the absolute worst.  And yet here I am living it. 

The past week my emotions have been a range of complete and utter despair, sadness, anger, denial, guilt and more anger.  It may be too I am finally coming down after almost 2 months of crazy hormones but none the less, it has not been pleasant.  Not to mention my job is almost killing me and I am counting down the days until it's over.  I feel ok today only because I have been through this all too many times.  It's like a ride I keep riding over and over again and I really want to get off.  But if you get off the ride, then I am no where closer than where I started over 3.5 years ago.  ugh. 3.5 years.  Unless you have been through infertility, you have no idea what that time factor feels like. I don't feel that old but in the business of babies, I am not getting any younger.  Before the transfer, I asked Dr.D what her opinion was if this cycle didn't work.  She suggested a gestational carrier as I still have 2 frosties left.  Apparently no matter what I do, pregnancy is not something my body wants to do. 

So now it's decision time.  If you know me, I am horrible about deciding what to wear let alone deciding on how I am going to start a family.  I see it as we have 4 choices.  1)gestational carrier 2) adoption 3)head to CCR.M again or a new clinic 4)just live life for awhile.  None of the choices are easy.  Each is it's own can of worms that I am terrified in opening.  What I do know is that a decision is going to be made soon.  I just struggle because there is nothing physically wrong with me or Nate.  We have spent thousands of dollars on blood tests, ultrasounds, and biopsies.  And nothing.  I think I could come to terms with things if there was a specific reason I can't get pregnant but nobody seems to be able to do that. I just don't understand. 

What I do know is that we have an amazing support system.  Our family and close friends have been nothing but supportive.  They have prayed, hoped, cried,  and dreamed right along with us for the day that our lives to be blessed with a child.  I am also part of a RESOLVE group and have become close friends who also share in this unfair world of infertility.  I know everyone is not that lucky and suffer in silence.  I would say to these couples that you are NOT alone. 

Lastly, I came across an article on the RESOLVE facebook page and it was appropriately titled "Beyond Loss: Moving Ahead in the Infertility Process" by Pamela Fawcett Pressman.  She provides some thoughtful insight especially the last paragraph. 

 

Your path to parenthood or child-free living may not be what you initially envisioned but that does not mean you will not get to a happy ending. Loss does not mean your life will not be wonderful. It means letting go of what is not working in order to make room for something different.

 

We will continue to push forward to get to that happy ending.....

Another Turn in the Longest Road Ever

I almost wasn't even going to write about this but hopefully someday I can look back and know it's all part of the journey.  I spent most of February getting ready for another frozen embryo transfer.  I had my monitoring  appointments and all was set for the transfer.  But then I got sick.  Influenza sick.  And as much as I wanted to do it, I knew it wouldn't be the smartest thing to do.  It wasn't really hard to make the decision because I knew it was the right one.  I did have a pity party for 2 minutes and then I was over it.  In the grand scheme of things, what's another month or so.

We have been busy living our lives and talking about different options in starting a family.  We will be doing the transfer soon and then depending on that outcome, we will make some hard decisions.  But really, I am feeling much more relaxed and at ease with this.  I am not sure why.  Maybe because I don't want to have any faith in it so I won't be so disappointed.  Maybe because I haven't been thinking about it too much.  I don't know.  I haven't been the best blogger either and I think it's because I am struggling with how much to divulge on the Internet.  And really, the only other thing I could write about it my cat and who wants to see endless posts about my cat.  Okay, maybe me but that might be all.

What I do know is that I am ready for a little getaway this weekend.  The weather doesn't look to promising but that's nothing a little wine can't cure. Here's to spring coming very, very soon.

Sick and Bored

So I suck at blogging.  February is half over and not one post yet.  So here is what I have now.  I have been sick.  Like the sick where you lay in bed for three days, sweating up your bed sheets, clothes, blankets etc.  No fun at all.  I blame it on Nate as he started with the sickies last Wednesday and it finally hit me on Friday night. 

So in between my dreams of pets living at the sorority house and in and out of consciousness, I have come to conclude the following things.

1) I am addicted to tapped out.  It's a silly game where you build a city.  And it's a city full of Simpson characters.  No, not jessica and her huge baby bumps but homer, bart, lisa, etc.  Ask my husband but it's been an obsession for like 6 months.  I even check the official sites to get the updates, cheats, etc.  Lame with a capital L.  But I love it.

2) Umm, where have I been that I have not heard about the Harlem shake!! I have spent hours on youtube watching videos.  I find it so freaking funny.  Here's one that some ND kids made..  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVZZJUNp04Q  again, it probably was like so cool, so last week and I am way behind the times...

3) kombucha.  a organic, natural tea that is made with fermented mushrooms.  on my quest to rid the body of germs and such, my hippie-esque cousin suggested it.  I made Nate buy me some and have tried the gingerade kind and liked it.  If you can get past the floaters and junk that sits on the bottom of the bottle, you will like it.  maybe.

4) The E channel.  Way too much kardashia.n this weekend.  What do they really do day to day?  Just sit around and eat and text?  And those Saturda.y girls... The only thing that comes from watching 5 minutes of that show is I really want to have a British accent day where I talk British all day.  Maybe my students would be more interested??

Just thoughts. Random. Bored. And ready to be healthy again.

Colorado

We took a little long weekend trip to Colorado.  My mom lives there part time so we always do a little ski trip in January.  This year we headed to Steamboat and enjoyed time with friends and family.

It has been sooooo cold so getting away to where the sun shines and your skin doesn't freeze off was
a nice perk. 

It was nice to spend some extra time with my hubby too.  Fresh mountain air and tasty bloody marys was just what was needed.  Day after day living in sub-zero temps does not do anything for the soul, so some real sunshine was just perfect.  We skiied, shopped, ate, napped, and of course watched sports.  (I can't ever get away from ESPN)   It all went way too fast but it was so, so good to get away.

Just What Was Needed

Trying to get over my end of 2012 funk, this past weekend was just what I needed.  We got to visit baby Ethan.  I got to ooo and ahh over his pretty blue eyes and long, curly toes.  Oh and I got to see his mom and dad and their gorgeous new home too. What a sweet boy who I can't wait to see again. 

We then headed to GF to visit some of our other favorite people.  It was a weekend full of shopping, lunching, pedis, and sports of course.  Oh and a creepy furby and a little boy who loved books.  Those furbies are strange toys but keep a 5 year old totally entertained.  Nate also made a new bff with a little boy who loves books and only Nate.  Maybe next visit, I will be considered.  We had such a great time with friends we don't see enough.  It was so what I needed.

Now off to start a full week back at school.  How did Monday go?  Well after a counseling a crying boy at 8:45am and a puker at 2:00pm, I can say it was a typical day in the fifth grade.

Oh a sidenote-priceline is on our shit list.  Note to self that not all "chain" hotels fall under the same rating.  Long story short, we stayed at a hotel room where I felt transported back in time to 1992 and was certain bed bugs would be in our near, near future.   

Over

The holidays have come and gone.  And I am glad.  As much as I tried to get into the whole season, when it came down to it, it was just plain difficult.  I know I am fortunate to have husband,family, friends, job, etc but sometimes that just doesn't seem to be enough.  Especially when something you have been trying to achieve is no where in sight.  Right now it is hard to be positive about something that may not ever be the way you thought it would be.  I am tired.  I am tired physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I know I need to get past it.  Live keeps moving whether we want it to or not.  I do not know what 2013 will bring.  I am going into it with no expectations except hoping by a shred that it is better than the last year.

I hope no matter what your path in life may be, here's hoping that 2013 is your best year yet.   Joel Osteen twitted this today:  Get your hopes up.  Raise your expectations.  Your best days are still in front of you.