Winding Down

Whoa, it's been a long while since I've posted.  I needed to step back and take a break-well as much as one can take a break from the infertility journey.  I just didn't really feel like sharing with the whole world what I was going through and my ways of trying to cope after the FET.  I just needed to get through the end of the school year in one piece.  And here I am already with school starting again in two weeks and wonder where time went. 

I wish I could be one of those bloggers who takes time off and then says guess what, I am pregnant! but of course that is NOT the case.  We haven't done anything on the baby making side this summer-not really by choice but by timing.  After our failed FET, we meet with Dr. D to discuss.  She really couldn't give us a reason why it didn't work.  She used the term unexplained.  Pff whatever.  Not that I was upset with her but I needed concrete answers.  So we talked about setting up a consult at CCRM.  We were able to have a phone consult with Dr. Colorado and things seemed promising.  There are a couple more tests that clinic could do and then maybe we would be able to decide where to go next.  The next step was getting to Denver for the appointment.  Appointments were scheduled, plane tickets were bought but then we had to cancel our appointment last minute because of timing issues.  We went to Denver anyways because our tickets were non-refundable.  I do have another appointment for this month but I am sure it will have to be cancelled again because of timing issues.

We really can't seem to catch a break.  I have had a really hard time trying to deal with where we are at.  When I think back to this summer, I guess it has been one of extremes.  Either I am extremely happy, carefree or really struggling.  My emotions seem to come in waves.  For a while I am okay.  Okay where I am at and where I am headed.  But then I am not.  And those days are not good.  It feels lonely and empty.  On top of that, I feel like I have neglected some of my friendships.  I am feeling out of place and not sure what my role is in these friendships.  And I will not be the first to tell you how hard this is on a marriage.  We just celebrated our four year wedding anniversary and I can't tell you how many times I wished things were the way they used to be before all of this.  I just am so thankful of how understanding, patient, and supportive my husband is. 

We have discussed some different options in the family building process more openly such as adoption.  We are warming up to the idea more and more.  But I can't not help to think of our 5 frozen embryos we have left.  I don't want to make any decisions about where we are headed until we get to Denver.  I feel this will really help us in deciding what is next.  So in the meantime, we continue to wait.